Looking Back, Looking Forward

I've been going back and forth about what to write about 2009. There's a part of me that would like to write candidly (and regularly) about what goes on in my life and how I feel about it; people sharing stories of their lives produce some of my favourite online writing, and the idea of being a little bit more open and accessible is increasingly appealing.

It turns out, though, that it will take some significant brain-shifting for me to feel comfortable with (or even capable of) that kind of thing. I'm not even sure it's an effort I want to make. I used to write things that I couldn't talk about, but these days I'm both better at talking and head over heels in love with Real Conversations. I'd much rather converse with you specifically than plaster myself all over a public space and hope that you notice.¹

That being said, last year was a fairly extraordinary time for me, and I would be sorry to leave it entirely unremarked.

I moved cities once and moved house three times, the last time to move in with the most awesome housemate imaginable. I got a job, then got the same job in a different city, and I got good at it quickly. I ended a relationship (one of the most sorely testing experiences of my life so far²), met wonderful new people, and worked on reconnecting with wonderful old people (with varying degrees of success). I was sick for the entire year, and I stopped holding my breath and hoping to be well again soon.

I listened to the Mountain Goats excessively enough that even I feel faintly embarassed about it, while struggling to be interested in new music and seeing almost nothing live. I set myself a goal of reading 52 books in the year, reached it quite early, and then burned out spectacularly.³ I played a few excellent computer games and saw a few excellent films, which rekindled my dormant interest in both.

Most importantly, though, I did a lot of thinking. And I do mean a lot.⁴

The relationship saga taught me a whole lot.⁵ I learned that it really does take two to tango; more specifically, the effectiveness and quality of any communication is always going to be partially out of my control no matter how good a communicator I become. I learned that sometimes disengaging completely is the best (and even only) sane option, even (or especially) when it means letting what feel like hurtful untruths go unchallenged. I learned that sometimes you just have to let people do whatever they have to do, and get on with what you have to do.

Incidentally, what is with the romanticisation of terrible, passive-aggressive, co-dependent behaviour in popular culture? Oh, things are terrible, there is no reason to think they will improve (especially since we are not doing anything to change anything), I don't even like you very much a lot of the time, but ~it's love~ so we should stay together? Fuck that noise.⁶

The phenomenal thing was the depth and breadth of thinking about relationships that got triggered. I am capable of some pretty determined and sustained introspection, and my lack of spoons meant I had plenty of time to spend with myself. One of the more significant revelations was that I have always been at my happiest when single.

That says a few things to me, but they all fall under the umbrella of "Hey! I think you've been doing it wrong!" I am, after all, the common factor in all my relationship and non-relationship periods. So I gave myself some mandatory time off to think about it all: a year of being absolutely not allowed "relationship stuff", to be extended or not depending on how much I could figure out in that much time.⁷

It has been brilliant. Having that explicit rule has not only given me the mental and emotional space to re-evaluate what I want in relationships and how I should approach them, it has also made me feel much freer to interact with people in whatever way feels most natural.⁸ I am still not sure what will happen when my year is up, but I am confident that whatever it is will be good for me.

Other things that I spent lots of time thinking about last year include: post-ironic appreciation; a large set of ethics- and 'ism'-related stuff; identity; mortality; and, most of all, sincerity and the pursuit of happiness.

By the end of 2009 I felt happier and more like myself than since ... well ... ever. Certainly since long enough ago that whoever I was then doesn't really count as the same person.

2010 so far has only continued this trend. People continue to be awesome. I have rediscovered music (recorded and live) in a big way. Urges to write more and take more pictures and travel more and have more conversations and cook more new foods are gnawing pleasantly at me, and I am even okay with not having the energy to act on most of them.

It is good to be alive.

1. It's not immediately clear how my desire to keep writing this blog fits in here, but I think it has something to do with a distinction between conversations and pieces of writing. Maybe I'm trying to practice "doing writing" more. Goodness knows I could do with the practice. [↩]
2. Ambiguous, perhaps, but either reading is true enough. [↩]
3. I haven't finished reading a book for a few months now. [↩]
4. Here's where this veers into "my life and how I feel about it". Awkwardness to 11! [↩]
5. Some of it was stuff I already knew, intellectually, but was yet to really know on an emotional level. [↩]
6. I never quite know what to do when something I would never say perfectly encapsulates what I want to say. In this case, as you can see, I went with it and then siphoned off my discomfort into a footnote. [↩]
7. Of course, I have a relationship of sorts with everyone I interact with, but I think we all know what I'm talking about here. [↩]
8. The reasons for this are, I think, a little too complex and personal for this post, but I can elaborate if requested. [↩]