Entries Tagged 'Unserious Business' ↓

And I said, Let there be cake:

and there was cake.

And I ate the cake, and knew that it was good.

My other vehicle is the Mahayana.

Pity there's no room for a bumper sticker on a unicycle. Pity I don't even have a unicycle.

One for the FOULies.

The perspicacious mistersteve raised an interesting question the other night, and one that I think bears closer examination:

What's with all the zombies? Why, when the dead rise, is the world overrun with zombies but few or no skeletons? Surely all but the most recently dead should have had all their squishy bits rot away long ago, and so zombies should only be a small proportion of the undead hordes that ravage the world of the living.

(Incidentally, this would make it significantly harder for the humans to win, as there's usually a fairly severe penalty for attacking skeletons with edged or missile weapons - no frisbee LPs to the rescue when skeletons attack!)

The dominance of zombies is due to a combination of the following:

Connective tissue.

Zombies still have some. Skeletons don't. This makes it more difficult for skeletons to walk about, or in fact do anything at all.

A truly exceptional skeleton (such as the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, shown in horrifying action here) may be able to use mind control to force humans to further its sinister ends, but there are not many truly exceptional skeletons. Most skeletons probably can't even haul themselves out of their graves. And the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, while exceptional by skeleton standards, was defeated by a ragtag band of exceptionally stupid humans, so let's not get too excited about the potential of the skeleton race.

Motivation.

Zombies are RAVENOUS. Their hunger for human flesh (especially brains) drives them to surge about in mobs, moaning and groaning and terrorising the living population. Skeletons don't seem to want anything, unless they are either a) the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, or b) pressed into service by some kind of evil mastermind (which is beyond the scope of this investigation). Maybe more skeletons than zombies have actually risen, but they're all just hanging out at the museum.

Contagion.

Let's leave aside the traditional voodoo zombie (because how politically incorrect are they, anyway?) and concentrate on the modern infectious plague/virus/something-vector zombie.

It doesn't really matter how many zombies initially rise from the dead. If being bitten by a zombie turns you into a zombie, and zombies are hungry all the time, it stands to reason that once they get going their numbers will increase dramatically. I'm not entirely sure why these eternally hungry monsters are going about just biting people - eating them would seem to be more sensible - but I suppose the intelligence of the undead is rarely said to be one of their strengths.

Even if hordes of undead skeletons did manage to rise and find some sort of motivation for mass slaughter they wouldn't be able to generate more skeletons very quickly without developing a way to accelerate the process of decomposition and then reanimate the new recruits. An evil mastermind genius skeleton would have to be in charge of R&D, and evil mastermind genius skeletons are few and far between.

Charisma.

Zombies can make menacing grimaces and, if required to be comedic, various hilarious facial expressions. Skeletons just sort of grin vacantly.

Zombies also have infinitely higher gore potential, which is an important aspect of monster charisma. Oozing sores, limbs that fall off, organs dribbling out - zombies have got it all. With their brain-eating, redshirt-eviscerating ways, they also bring plenty of good-guy gore to the table. What do skeletons do? Clink, rattle, and maybe stab people or something if they're unusually energetic.

So the zombies get all the publicity. Zombies are to undead armies what fluffy pandas are to endangered species. Skeletons are the Kerry Spotted Slugs.

Conclusion

When the dead rise, it's zombies that take over the world because skeletons are rubbish.

Update: mistersteve responds with a detailed analysis of two classic examples of skeleton mastery.

Sometimes I find notes from myself when I'm not looking for them. I assume that at the time of writing I usually intended them to make more sense.

The latest offering from the Ghost of Insomnius Past goes something like this:

Fleet Foxes
Yeasayer
        Low

 

• moving + stopping
• !irony
• e-fame >:( [the little frowny face is actually the right way up instead of sideways, though]
  HYPE
• memes
• don't read the comments

Perhaps I had travelled back in time to warn myself about the internet? Mentioning some bands that present-day me likes might have been a desperate bid to give the prophecy some credibility.

Alas, it arrived too late.